So much to do, so little energy.....

I'm sitting here watching my 3 youngest race around the living room and I just came to a realization.....Those little twerps stole all my energy! Okay, they aren't always twerps, I'm just jealous.

I am trying to be an artist and a mother all while dealing with the minor inconvenience of being disabled.
Disabled....that word was not even in my vernacular until 2003 when bundle of joy #3 got stuck on her way into this world. I should have had some assistance getting her out of me, but it was shift change, and while I should have been the center of attention at that particular moment of my life, I wasn't. The exception to that was my husband and with his hand firmly gripping mine he leaned in and whispered into my ear, "You can do it, Beautiful." With the beeping from the monitor indicating my daughter declining heart rate, and the threat of an emergency c-section looming after a long night of hard labor, I did do it. I dug deep and found 'the monster' as we called it in the Marine Corp and I forced her little occiput posterior body through my pelvis.
The overwhelming sense of relief was mingled with an equally overwhelming sense of foreboding because in the moment that I had compelled this new life into the world I felt something give in my low back. The lingering epidural masked the consequences of my panicked childbearing for a few hours, but all too soon it wore off and the ensuing pain has yet, in 6 years, to leave me.

It is difficult to make someone who does not have chronic pain understand what unrelenting pain can do to the soul of a person. The day in and day out of it. It is the last thing on your mind as you drift off into a narcotic assisted sleep. It steals your restful, rejuvenating sleep and it is what finally wakes you up in the morning. It pillages your personality and leaves you wondering who you are anymore. It also changes those around you. I won't go into the details of this aspect now, but will say only that you learn who really values your friendship and find that it becomes not only necessary, but imperative to distance yourself from toxic people and organizations.
After a six year metamorphosis I have finally emerged, at least I feel, a better, stronger and more whole person. I shed a controlling and elitist religion, I took up a new hobby, I have narrowed my circle of friends to those who have withstood the test of time, and have learned to take time to maintain my close relationships with my husband and children.
Now to bring us back to the present and give who ever reads this some advice: In life we have only three resources- Time. Money. & Energy. We don't all get equal amounts of these and, like all resources, some or all will eventually run out. The idea is to use the one we have the most of at the moment to get things accomplished.
Right now I have no energy, but I have enough money to pay for my internet connection and laptop, and I have the whole day to get done what I need to get done. I would really like to get things done more quickly, but time is my greatest resourse for now and my energy is in pathetically short supply.

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